Sure, the car is quick but I think we need more downforce....

Great Moments in Gun Control Analogies.......

Interesting how going 140mph in an M6 and shooting AR-15's are equally legal on a closed course yet M6's deal more death annually than do AR-15's each year in America, but M6's don't receive the same negative feedback that AR's do. "Support background checks on M6 drivers!" Wouldn't it be worth it if we could save just one child?

....credit to Colion Noir. Check out his blog http://www.mrcolionnoir.com/ and YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/MrColionNoir?feature=watch both are great.

BBQ Blues

I freakin love BBQ. Not grilling mind you, that's a whole 'nuther deal. I'm talking about BBQ. Cheap cuts of meat turned into amazing, moist, juicy, lip-smacking good stuff by means of a long, slow, low-temperature cook...and a bit of smoke for good measure. I'm far from an expert on the matter, the guy who runs this website/blog however is: http://www.amazingribs.com/  If you are looking to learn "how to smoke some meat" that is the best place to start. 

I'd characterize myself as more of an enthusiast. My smoker is nothing special but I've made a few modifications to it so it works far better than it ought. My recipes aren't traditional nor are they particularly original either. But I've put a little spin on things here and there to tweak them to my taste and that of my friends....who seem to like the end result.

Last weekend we hosted a going away party for a very close friend who is taking a temporary work assignment out of state and we were expecting ~25 guests. That's a lot of people to cook for no matter what you are cooking, but BBQ is IMO a bit easier to manage because the quantity of meat that can be produced at once is rather high and it allows ample time to do other things around the house while the smoke is going on. 

The Annoying Co-Worker Chronicles - Ep5, Employment Prevention

Looking for a job is tough under good economic conditions. I'm told that these days it’s downright brutal out there. In this installment of “The Annoying Co-Worker Chronicles” we’ll examine three ways to assure that you never wind up the subject of one of these sorts of tomes. Unique strategies that are nearly assured to grenade any chance one might have at landing a position from which to annoy prospective co-workers.

Expressing yourself to the point of demonstrating bad judgment.

There is nothing inherently wrong with body art and modification. I have tattoos and once wore a stainless bead ring in each ear. The thing is that the tattoos are easily covered by anything even remotely considered “professional attire” and the rings pop out in seconds.

A few years ago I interviewed a young man for a customer facing position that showed up with a pair of stretched ear-lobes similar to the below along with a pierced lower lip and eyebrow.

His education and resume more than qualified him for the position or he wouldn’t have been called in for the interview, but the prospect of placing him in front of the variety of clients he’d be exposed to was just silly. The thing is that one has but a single chance to make a first impression and his was to walk in the door and effectively say, “I don’t give a rip about what you think nor do I care about your corporate culture. You need to accept ME!” Wrong POV kiddo.

The organization I was with at the time did business with companies that were far less formal than ourselves, and we also did business with the biggest of the big Fortune 500 suit/tie type corporations and government organizations as well. No matter how "open-minded" a company is, at some point they are going to attempt to do business with another company that isn't. At the end of the day, regardless of your role in a professional capacity you are being hired to in some way represent the company you are working for.

It just screams “bad judgment”. If I'm interviewing someone I expect that they’ve done their due diligence to learn about the standard of dress/appearance for the organization, if they consciously present themselves in a manner contrary to that I am led to believe that they don't care what the organization thinks or values. 

By extension, it's not a real stretch to imagine that they mightn't care what our clients think or value either.

The next two gems are too humorous not to share.

Many years ago the group that I worked in found ourselves in need of a new admin. The previous admin had left when she became pregnant and decided to be a stay at home mom. She left some big shoes to fill and we sought recommendations and placed an open req on the companies “careers” website.

We’d interviewed a number of applicants whose qualifications and work history demonstrated a good fit and had one left, we’ll call her “Kim”. Kim had an appointment for a series of 30min interviews with the people she’d be supporting starting at 10am. Since the interviews would spread across lunch we’d sent out for catering for the meetings to ensure everyone would be able to attend to their normal duties, conduct interviews and not have to miss lunch.

10am came and went and Kim was nowhere to be found. At 10:30am with no sign of Kim we called her number and got her home voicemail. At 11am we gave up. At noon, a full two hours after the interview was scheduled to begin Kim traipsed into our lobby and asked the receptionist to announce her arrival. My boss got wind of this and decided to have a little fun and perhaps pass on to Kim a valuable life lesson.

He went to the lobby and met her. She offered no explanation for being late until asked. I guess she thought it wasn’t a big deal, and when she was in the midst of explaining how she used public transportation and had missed a couple of connections her cellphone rang...her cellphone rang.

My boss told her that we’d have to move some things around and that he’d send for her when we were ready…and 30min passed, then an hour, then after two hours I went to the lobby. Kim was noticeably upset. I explained to her that we’d be unable to interview her today as we couldn’t rearrange our schedules. She asked, “Couldn’t you have told me that an hour ago instead of letting me sit here and wait?” To which I replied, “Sure I could have. But I decided to show you the same regard for your time that you showed for ours. Goodbye and good luck with your job search.”

The Modulus Of Elasticity Of An Apron String.

Same company as above but this time we were hiring for an entry level engineering position. The majority of applicants were new college grads so the interviews were based far more on personality and fit than on qualifications though some applicants did have Senior Projects that offered compelling insight into their abilities. One particular applicant among them did have an impressive list of previous internships and had worked on a Senior Project that was right in the wheelhouse for the position. On the day of the interview I strolled up to the lobby to bring him back and as one would expect I found a fresh faced young man in a slightly ill-fitting suit that was eager to get started. What I didn’t expect was his mother.

…(no, really, this actually happened!)…

He brought his MOTHER to the interview. Not to give him a ride mind you, they both expected to have her sit in on the interview. It was all I could do to resist an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the suggestion but I buckled down and did so. Biting my lip I managed get out a simple, “Why?”

I'd insert a hilarious Joan Crawford pic here but how many would get the gag?

His mother answered, “I want to make sure that he covers the important points of his education, ensure you don’t ask any unfair questions and see to it that the job offer is fair.” Again I struggled to not laugh out loud and nodded in reply to her and turned to the young “man” and explained to him. “Since you have no working experience in the field, a job interview such as this exists to determine how well you might fit in with the team, how you solve problems and how you respond to challenging inquiry. For future reference, having your Mother along on the interview precludes that process and doesn’t impress upon a potential employer that you are an independent thinker and self starter and frankly, calls into question your level of personal accountability.”

I told him that he had an impressive educational history and said that if HE’D like I would be happy to interview HIM for the position. His response was to look at his mother and SHE was incredulous in her reply, “I don’t think WE want to do it that way.” I felt a little bit bad for the kid and felt really bad when I finally lost it and laughed and told them that would not be possible and to have a nice day.

If you've got any good stories about blown interviews feel free to share..change names to protect the innocent of course...

Can't Stop The Zombies

According to IMDB stats the "Twilight" series is insanely popular with girls aged 18-29, "Harry Potter" is hugely popular with almost equal percentages of men & women 18-34 and "Moneyball" is popular with dudes with bad skin. All of that sorta fleshes out the way you'd think but this Zombie thing has me baffled.

The other day AMC renewed it's "The Walking Dead" show for it's third season. I can't figure out who the demographic here is but man, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a zombie these days. Every automotive or outdoor sports message board I'm a member of has at least one thread discussing "Zombie Apocalypse" preparedness and any hunting or firearm related forum will no doubt have multiple versions on the theme....satirical of course.

A few minutes of trolling "The Google" yields some fascinating results:

The Annoying Co-Worker Chronicles - Ep4

Doctor Crappyhands and Chief Stalltalker

The weekly conference call drags on and on…very little of substance is accomplished yet we continue the interminable routine none the less. Meanwhile, deep within my abdomen the first and second cups of morning coffee are being processed by two innocuous masses of tissue and today, my kidneys are working overtime. The filtration of my blood to extract excess water, electrolytes and other stuff has been going on at a furious pace while I listen to the banal blathering of an aspiring middle-manager attempting to impress.

Brevity, son, is the soul of wit…it’s also fucking mandatory on a conference call…especially when I have to wee.

Finally it ends. I bound from my chair and naturally forget to remove my headset. The plug unseats from the phone and recoils back at me threatening to garrote me as it ensnares my neck. I curse and toss the infernal device on my desk and march toward the restroom with the purpose that can only be found in a man who’s bladder has expanded to roughly the size of Rhode Island.

That’s when things got weird.

Man Can and Should Cook, Here’s Why.

If your initial response to the title of this post is something akin to, “Pfft, cooking is for chicks and pussies.” you should leave. Seriously, go read something else.....and stop living in your mother’s basement.

That aside, here are a few of my thoughts on why it’s important for a man to not only know how to cook, but why he should endeavor to do it well.

1 – It’s a basic life skill. Are you going to tell me that you aren’t man enough to get the better of a 5lb dead chicken? You can handle a manual transmission, you can back up a trailer, you can change a flat tire, you can jump-start your car, you can drive a nail, you can fix a faucet….can’t you? Shouldn’t you be able to feed yourself, your spouse and your kids without resorting to fried cheese sticks at the local pub or the KFC drive-through?

Among my male friends that are accomplished cooks are Executives, Cops, Race Car Drivers, Airline Pilots, Construction Foremen, Oil Well Engineers and two professional Chefs. Cooking is in fact, quite a manly art. Get rid of the “woman’s work” meme, its bullshit. Look at Food Network, peruse the latest Michelin Star Ratings. Most of the world’s top chef’s are men.

There’s fire, there’s dangerous hot grease, there’s sharp knives, there’s power tools. C’mon, if that doesn’t get your inner caveman going what does?

The Annoying Co-Worker Chronicles - Ep3

The morning routine....

The badge passes through the scanner 1’s & 0’s fly through the system confirming identity and CLICK as a microswitch releases the lock. Enter the building and sense that the schizophrenic HVAC system has today decided that the interior weather will be something akin to Tuscaloosa in August, it was Green Bay in November yesterday. Swing by the desk; Ctrl-Alt-Delete and tap out 3^rd Grade Teachers name and the aged laptop whirs to life, Outlook collecting the morning litany of action items. To the break room - a filter, a cup of grounds and start the brew.

Emails – delete, delete, delete the silly forwarded jokes…not at work please folks, those I’ll handle later, don’t ask me to do your job, list reduced by ½….coffee…now. Back to the desk. People filtering in. Mike the engineer gets his coffee, yells at the BMW service department on the phone. That guy with no apparent purpose other than socializing fills his gas-can sized mug and begins his rounds. It’s almost time…

The Annoying Co-Worker Chronicles - Ep2

So I'm wearing a new pair of shoes today and they squeak. Sort of a lot.

I had to walk through finance 3-4 times this morning and in doing so I passed by a guest cube that is used by auditors or short term contract number-crunchers. This contract  number-cruncher lady who is not well liked pipes up on my last trip by about the squeak. Curious, I stopped and asked, "Excuse me?" and she replied, "Your shoes. They're reeeeally loud and annoying and it's distracting...and rude...um...I'm trying to woooork."

I looked her in the eye for a second to try and determine if she was serious or just kidding whilst pondering my reply. A number of possible retorts went through my mind but I settled on the following; "I'm sorry. I don't really like to bring it up but I have a prosthetic lower leg. The covering on the prosthesis tends to squeak. I mean, it's not skin, it's silicone right? So I apologize if it bothers you, but if it's any consolation, I can assure you that missing a leg is something of an annoyance to me as well."

Enjoy your workday!


(no...I don't have a prosthetic leg)

49ers Coach & GM Search: What happens when an amateur is running the show....

Boy 49’ers fans, this has been quite a couple of weeks hasn’t it? My thoughts after this brief parable:

In 1989 a “Flying Tigers” Air Cargo 747 was flying from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. On an instrument approach, the air traffic controller instructed the pilot “Tiger 66, descend two four zero zero” which means descend to an altitude of 2,400’ above sea level. The pilot mistakenly heard and confirmed “descend to four zero zero” believing he was instructed to fly at an altitude of 400’ above sea level.

Cockpit voice recorders showed the pilots repeating the “four zero zero” multiple times. Ground proximity warning alarms went off. They were ignored as false alarms. The pilots were heard to say, “he said to descend to four zero zero, this thing is F***ed”. The co-pilot called ATC asking, “Tiger 66 confirming descend to four zero zero?” the controller replied, “Roger, descend two four zero zero.” Moments later the fully loaded 747 plowed into the side of 600’ hillside a mile or so from the airport.

This is a common scenario replayed in aviation cockpit resource management training sessions to illustrate how the “strength of an idea” can cause people to ignore multiple warning signs and years of training resulting in an unequal number of takeoffs and landings.

I relate this tragic tale as an analogy for what has happened over the past few weeks with the San Francisco 49ers.

The Annoying Co-Worker Chronicles - Ep1

The early morning quiet fills my workspace as Silicon Valley is just begining to wake.

The rising sun casts a beam of light intermittently into my office reflected off the windshields of passing cars.

I take another sip of freshly brewed coffee (the good stuff I keep in my desk) and in a moment, my peace is assaulted by the smell of pork products and the din of abrading thighs tightly wrapped in polyester as my bosses 350lb admin waddles to her desk.

In her hand, a bag of McDonalds breakfast gut-bombs for her first of many feedings for the day.

The morning solitude has ended and I'm reminded that we call this "work".


Originally written in March of 2002 and published to an H3 list-serve.